The Hossam Journey

When you just can't do it

My academic career is nothing but great. I was almost always a top student, not the best but definitely among the best. My senior year in high school was when my 97% in my exams confirmed that for everyone, even if it wasn't for me. I will write another time about how people's opinion was my prison for many years, but not this time.

I got a scholarship to a European country and my performance was a bit shaky in the first semester (still A student) but the following 5 semesters was nothing but a great learning experience where I was comfortably getting perfect grades. so what happened in the last semester you ask, a dagger to my confidence. I lost my honorary certificate because of a miscommunication between my supervisor and the thesis's committee and even now I still remember how devastated I was and how badly I handled it (I will write about later as well).

But until now, I am in a great shape, on paper, I am still an A student with a great record. A great record is useful not just for my confidence or ego but also it opens a various opportunities for me.

So what happened?

Well, I applied for Masters in the best technical university in the EU and I got accepted. I applied because I want to chase knowledge and to see what is it like to have a very high quality education. First semester was a disaster, not because of academics alone but also because I couldn't join the university physically due to Visa issues that took a real toll on my mental health, not only because it was a devastated issue but also because I apparently can't take a step back and handle issues in a wise way, rather I was just in a rush, going insane over an issue which I could "easily" went through.

I could barely work and barely study and this has been going on for two years now. I met the credit limits barely for the last two semesters but this semester is the most challenging, I have 6 subjects and I need to pass 5 not to get expelled. The exams are in 54 days. I don't know if I can do it, I have been not studying even though I should definitely be very prepared. I have some mental blocks and they are:

I love my field honestly, I love the feeling of learning something new, I hate the feeling of not understanding it fully though, but I am trying to accept that, because similar to a lot of stuff you just have to trust that you will understand it later or that obsessing over it will likely result in never learning it.

So can I do it?

Of course I can, because I don't trust myself here, I trust Allah. I will study with trust that my results will be successful, and that I will be able to regain control over my life and career. The last 2 years taught me that running away is the perfect way not to live your life and I really want to live it.

May Allah protect you